


Choices

by pseudofaux



Series: Goodness [3]
Category: Samurai Love Ballad: PARTY, 天下統一恋の乱 | Sakura Amidst Chaos | Samurai Love Ballad (Visual Novel)
Genre: Jinpachi where you at?! What does your sprite look like?!, and don't tease Yukimura in a non-loving way, bad things happen to people who tease Yukimura in a non-loving way, churny whirly thoughts, don't, don't cross this mother effer, what's going on between Nobuyuki's ears?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 05:48:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12474840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pseudofaux/pseuds/pseudofaux
Summary: A bit of Nobuyuki's internal monologue. This is set within the Goodness series, but before any of the events of those stories. What does the man THINK?(When I see "Choices" as a standalone word I can't help but think of Tatianna LONG MAY SHE REIGN but the title fits, so...)





	Choices

**Author's Note:**

> Anyone else totally want to be bent every which way by Sanada Nobuyuki? Anyone else want to lay traps for him and be caught in his traps or maybe sidestep his traps with an eyeroll and REALLY flip his switch and then deal with the consequences?
> 
> Asking for a friend.

I try to be pleasant, but most of all I try to be powerful and _right_. These purposes coalesce neatly most of the time. For that I am of course grateful.

It is no chore to be kind to servants, but it is a choice. A calculation. I want them to be happy and loyal, and consistent good treatment is the best way I can think of to make that want a reality. So far it has worked. I know to leave their spaces well enough alone and intervene only through methods that will not reveal my involvement. Jinpachi's very good at facilitating this. He and I work well together. There was a maid who was being harassed by a page once and only Jinpachi and I know for certain I was at all involved. The chamberlain may have suspected—he’s not a fool, thankfully—but was smart enough to leave well enough alone.

It’s not that I don’t care about what happens to servants or soldiers or anyone but me, really; I do. But that care is minute, secondary to my own interest. Getting rid of that page pleased me. I don’t begrudge the maid it also benefited, and I would never expect to exact some price from her for it. But I took that action because it made my life better and easier. People have never seemed to see my selfishness, and that still surprises me sometimes. Just because I make good decisions doesn’t mean they’re made for “good” reasons. Isn’t anyone else alive and aware like I am?

I think it’s the smile. I’m told I was a very happy young child, and I think it must have set upon my face early in life.

I try to be flexible, when the situation calls for it, and keep the smile on my face. I choose to keep the smile on my face. My feelings on a matter may be quite unsmiling. But it is easiest to charm someone into change with the smile. I realized when I reached majority that people were taking it as a threat when I forced the smile. I did not have as much power then as I do now. Now I do it on purpose. Now I know I am a threat. I know it better than they do.

Even as I consider dispatching an unyielding enemy, I try the smile. I don't have to wear it if I see them killed, of course. I usually don't. But it’s sometimes a bother, not enough of a bother not to go that route but a _bother_ , and if the offense wasn’t too personal it’s better to make them fearful than show them precisely what it is they should fear. That way is so… final. Sometimes that’s best. That magistrate.

It's not nothing, but it is no great effort to be kind to my brother. Actually it takes enormous effort, but… I don’t resent it at all, even though I haven’t quite puzzled out why. Genjirou is good, and brave, and loyal. I think I would treat anyone like him the same way but of course he is family, and I’m told, endlessly told, that family is different.

I don't think I could offer him any physical protection he or his shinobi could not effortlessly surpass on their own, but I can support him. And I do, and I will, always.

In the way of a reassurance to our father that I will only take a noble bride, to smooth the way for Yukimura to marry the woman he loves. I'm so curious about _that_ I know right away that I gave the assurance for my own benefit as much as my brother’s. What would possess Clan-Honor-Duty-Lofty Ideals-minded Genjirou to deviate from all our father's expectations? His treatment of the woman is so gentle and unselfish. In most ways, anyway. He is clearly smitten, and that's new for him. She seems pleasant enough. Careful of father and I. My brother may be a bit possessive in love, which would be a positive. I want him to be happy, and hope he can flourish in his marriage. He’s hiding too much of himself behind bravado.

(Desperate father did not notice the specificity of my promise, and at some point I'll probably have to deal with rope of words I’ve left for him to hang his expectations with… but I am not really concerned with it yet. When he does realize, and rage, I'll sort it out.)

If Genjirou’s wife hurts him, I’ll hurt her. Even if that hurts him, too. Better he be hurt in a measured way by my hand than crushed by someone who isn’t concerned with the tenderness of his heart. I don’t have expectations at this point, only plans. Contingencies. If time proves she is as besotted, or that she is easy to keep satisfied with wealth, those plans never need materialize. May that be the case.

In the way of dealing with those who oppose him off the battlefield, or who might mock him beyond acceptable teasing. This has been true since our childhood. Yukimura's devotion and earnestness, the purity of his spirit, his skill as a warrior: these have all made him a target for cynics. But casual cynics are no match for committed monsters. And I love my brother.

In the way of persuading father to allow Yukimura to be our living connection to the Takeda. He has grown under Shingen in ways he never could here. I miss him sometimes. But it is better for both of us that he become a man in Kai, where being a Sanada helps him more than it hurts him. I’m a better first son than he would ever be, but I feel like fate cheated Genjirou, giving him the sensitivity it did when he was born the second son. It wouldn’t hurt me to be spare. When he brushes against his birth, it devastates him.

My feelings for Genjirou perplex me when I reflect on them. The effort I make for him, it’s for _me_ , to make me happy because his happiness makes me happy. But it’s more for him than it is when I put the effort forth for others. I think I felt this way about our mother. I think I would sacrifice more, do more at my own expense, to keep him safe and healthy and protect his happiness. Maybe I would even endure hardship. I would put forth that effort. That’s what love is, I suppose. Perhaps the benefit of his happiness outweighs the cost of securing it. I keep thinking myself in infuriating circles about this, but there is no one to discuss it with.

I try to be flexible, but my core, my actual self, is immutable steel. It can graze or slice or shield. Stab. Serrate. Sss, shh, calm yourself, now, Nobuyuki. Consider carefully. Make a choice.

**Author's Note:**

> I headcanon that to Nobuyuki his younger brother will always be Genjirou and he only uses "Yukimura" when he's with others/trying to treat his brother like an adult. This is almost certainly not historically accurate. To such concerns I give my blithest, most Nobuyukilike wave of the hand, toward the barren field where I would give my fucks, had I a single one.


End file.
